Confess Your secrets

When I was 11 years old I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety after I took a bunch of pills hoping to die. I was moved into a special school where I spent my early teenage years.

I lived with my mother. I was a polite kind child but was very self destructive. I was cutting myself at 11yrs old. My mother had bipolar and couldn't cope. She made me move in with my dad but took me back a week later. It was horrible.

My father was brutally murdered when I was 12. At first I held it together. Went to school and coped.

At 13 I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend of 1 year. He forced himself inside me anally.

By 14 my self harm had gotten worse. I started cutting my arms. I still have keloid scarring all over my left arm from this time.

At 15 my mother kicked me out. I moved in with my father's family and went to another special school then college.

I first took opiates at 15. I had a headache and my gran was In a rush and handed me some painkillers. I took 4 or 5. At school I vomited over and over end itched till I bled. But I loved it. I couldn't cry on opiates.

I went to college at 16. Started to steal prescription painkillers off my family. Sometimes I'd pass out. I didn't care if I died. I excused my actions by telling myself they were out of date.

I carried on self harming. I had EMDR therapy for my assault. Gradually however overdoses replaced self harm.

At 17 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

At 19 I moved back in with my mum after dropping out of uni. After a couple of months I attempted suicide. I moved back in with my dad's family shortly after.

My mother believes that I will cause her to commit suicide. She says I'm a liar. I'm crazy and evil. She's been this way for years. I'm a monster to her.

I replaced self harm with piercings. I've had 14 all together.

I found a way to start buying opiates. I fell off a wall and badly hurt my leg. That led to me taking painkillers to cope. A jaw problem caused chronic, daily pain. I was prescribed codeine for my jaw.

I became addicted to prescriptions painkillers. I had a seizure shortly after my 20th birthday. I refused to call an ambulance. I saw some nurses though. I told them I only took half of what my usual daily amount was and they were horrified. Said I needed to stop immediately.

Withdrawal was bad. Shakes and pain everywhere and sweating.

A few months back I had a psychotic break after overdosing on valium, morphine, tramadol and then alcohol. I lost the plot. Broke things and screamed. Cut my wrist badly. My poor boyfriend had to take me to hospital. I just dropped everything in the street and began hearing voices and started sobbing uncontrollably.

I'm a fully fledged addict now at almost 21. I can't cope. My boyfriend doesn't condone it but accepts my addiction. I get suicidal if I don't take my painkillers everyday. My sister knows. My uncle knows to some extent. Nobody else knows. My whole family have no idea.

I'm on a waiting list for therapy. I'm hoping it helps. I know it'll be a lot of work getting off drugs.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't know how to cope anymore.