Confess Your secrets

I’ve told this story to a few people and I’m not sure how many have ever believed it but it’s true and I regret nothing.

So I was friends with a guy for about 5 years, he was one of the football players at school but was treated more as a funny guy who was kinda quiet and a little prude. His grandparents were rich, he was always driving a brand new car, and was kinda girl crazy even though he was aware his shape was very eggplant-like and his personality wasn’t the most appealing.

So anyway, one day I’m at home and he has a bottle of Bacardi and wants to come over to get belligerently drunk. I’m bored and say why not, I had just broken up with his best friend and fellow football bro so I thought I’d piss my ex off pretty good while I was in my boredom.

He arrives already at about 1/3 shitfaced and I’m rolling a second blunt. His first statement was something like, “there’s no way you’re handling any of this, you can’t smoke and keep up drinking with me.” So naturally 18 yo me is like fuck you we’ll find out then. I did this a lot at that point but I wasn’t very open about it BC my family is super religious and no one wants to break grams heart. Plus I didn’t really find it ‘cool’ I was mostly a loner and that was a hobby. So he had no idea weird ass alcoholic teenager girl was about to wreck his shit.

We both take like 4 shots each, are awkwardly talking and also stoned as shit but I was more used to this, he didn’t know what my spare time consisted of and I was kinda out of control at that point in life.

So.

Dude (6’3 280 pound football playing mf) passes out on my bed no more than 35 minutes after splitting the second blunt. I’m also with a friend this night but she’s just kinda to herself smoking and observing the giant lump who’s now basically half dead in my house.

We were both pretty crafty at this time and always were making something so I had supplies pretty much everywhere. I knew I wanted to mess with him but I didn’t really think much through bc stoned so I grabbed some instant glue and tried to find something funny enough to go with it. He grew a beard in like 6th grade and it was basically one of his trademarks, so at some point it clicked in my weird ass brain that I was definitely going to glue something to it. I realized I had some dead goldfish lying around bc they died (natural causes, I’m weird- not disturbed) I was going to use them for resin pieces but I didn’t get that far and this seemed way funnier.

So I took the Krazy glue and stuck the dead fish to his beard.. in the center of his chin..

My laughter woke him up and he went to the bathroom to check himself out I guess, I heard him fumble around trying to find the light switch and then heard a very loud, “what the fUCK.” He came out 10 minutes later with half his beard ripped off and fish crumbs still embedded with glue. He left immediately but we somehow were still friends after that. Took a pretty long time convincing him that I wouldn’t glue dead animals to his face again. Idk why I was surprised by that.

And that’s why no one should ever trust me with instant glue and or alcohol and or drugs, at least not all at the same time. Way too tempting.